I could have been a contender

The day before my birthday that just passed some rat bastard bug decided to have a taste of my eyebrow while I was asleep. I awoke to what I thought was a zit with a nasty temperament, only to have my eyelid begin to droop down to my cheek bone ala Rocky Balboa. As I began to resemble a byproduct of incest more and my old funny looking self less, I decided I needed to go to the doctors office to get an educated assessment of my optical malady. I saw two doctors and two assistants and they all started with something along the lines of "Who did this to you, or Who'd you piss of? I would have liked to have told them I was in a bar and got into a brawl in a place where there's sawdust on the floor and guys with bullets crisscrossing their chests sit at the bar talking of the nefarious acts they do for money or women. In just sounds more impressive than a god damn bug bit me. Or maybe i stopped a hold up at a Jason's Deli but not before the robber pistol whipped me. And as a reward the workers at the deli gave me my lunch for free after I regained consciousness. Nonetheless, it really just came down to a a bug and me. Bug one, Luke zero. I'm not leaving the house for a few days as I'm getting lingering looks from people that scream "Damn, who got a hold of you?" However, i went to Radioshack yesterday, and the guy that helped me had what appeared to be 10 percent of his conjoined twin remaining on the side of his head and I immediately felt at ease. I had hoped that what could come out of this is the bug bite could affect me eyesight forcing me to wear glasses thereby enabling me to realize my dream of wearing the kind of glasses worn by Elvis Costello or serial killers from the 60's. The doctor said not to plan on getting and prescription glasses anytime soon, but to get used to looking like I was married to Ike Turner for the rest of the week. I said that wasn't much of a consolation prize. I told him the glasses would offset what will surely be a head void of hair in the future and that I didn't have the gall to attempt the award winning, gravity defying come over my uncle has sported since the early nineties. He said he was sorry to hear about my uncles blue ribbon winning come over, but my Elvis Costello weren't in the cards, for now. I left his office and the receptionist looked at me and started to giggle while asking me how my day was going. At least she didn't ask who did this to me.